Each week I bring you the top stories in the auto industry along with my commentary or sometimes amusing thoughts about the craziness that goes on in the world of cars.
- Tesla Cybertruck Enlists in the Air Force, Immediately Drafted Into Explosive Retirement
- Thou Shalt Not Rig a Corvette Raffle
- Woman Goes for Screening, Comes Back Owing More Than Her Car’s Worth
- Ford Will Pay Six Figures If You’re Good at Naming Stuff
Tesla Cybertruck Enlists in the Air Force, Immediately Drafted Into Explosive Retirement. The U.S. Air Force has decided that the best use for two brand-new Tesla Cybertrucks is to turn them into very expensive bullseyes, adding them to a fleet of 33 expendable, battery-less, towable vehicles destined for destruction at White Sands Missile Range. While the list also includes bland sedans, anonymous SUVs, and a few Mazda Bongo trucks, it’s the Cybertrucks—those stainless steel wedges Elon once swore were apocalypse-proof—that are getting all the attention as they await the ultimate reality check from precision-guided explosives. Nothing tests a “bulletproof” claim quite like a direct hit from a missile, and maybe, just maybe, the Air Force is doing us all a public service by determining whether these dystopian driveway ornaments can survive something more dangerous than a runaway shopping cart. It’s fitting since the Cybertruck’s real-world performance has been less than invincible, with slow sales, recall headaches, and an identity crisis that leaves it somewhere between Mad Max prop and suburban dad flex. Perhaps in some strange way, this isn’t target practice at all but the most honest product review the truck will ever get—one that ends not with a five-star rating, but with a satisfying fireball.
Thou Shalt Not Rig a Corvette Raffle. A Pennsylvania pastor is accused of pulling off a charity Corvette raffle so shady it could have been sponsored by the Devil himself, allegedly rigging the grand prize so that the winner—who conveniently didn’t even buy a ticket—walked away with $50,000 in cash instead of a shiny new sports car, which must be the first time in raffle history that someone didn’t even have to pretend to be surprised. Prosecutors say the pastor also sprinkled in a few smaller “wins” for family and close friends, like a heavenly game show where everyone already knew the outcome except the people buying tickets in good faith. And as if that wasn’t enough, he reportedly transferred some of the raffle money into a separate church account that conveniently happened to be interest-bearing, because why just skim the offering plate when you can collect dividends on your divine deception? It’s unclear whether the good reverend was planning to eventually replace the nonexistent Corvette with an equally imaginary Lamborghini for next year’s raffle or just cash out his holy hedge fund and retire, but one thing’s for sure—if there’s a Ten Commandments for fundraising, “Thou shalt not fake raffle winners and funnel the loot” probably makes the top three.
Woman Goes for Screening, Comes Back Owing More Than Her Car’s Worth. A woman in California went to Glendale Memorial Hospital for what should have been a quick and uneventful 45-minute cancer screening and instead walked out to find a parking garage bill for nearly $8,000, because the automated system apparently decided her car had been there since 2022. The machine didn’t just make a small mistake—it calculated three full years of parking fees, turning a brief medical visit into something that looked more like a ransom note from a particularly greedy valet. When she tried to dispute the charge, the parking attendant allegedly accused her of leaving her car there for weeks, as if she had been secretly living in the structure like a low-budget action hero. It took getting local news outlets involved before the hospital’s parking contractor finally admitted the error and voided the charge, proving once again that the fastest way to fix a ridiculous problem is to make it someone else’s PR nightmare. In the end she didn’t have to pay a dime, but the whole episode left her wondering how many other people have been quietly gouged by a parking system that apparently can’t tell the difference between 45 minutes and three years.
Ford Will Pay Six Figures If You’re Good at Naming Stuff. Ford is hiring a “Nomenclature Strategist,” which is corporate speak for “person who names stuff but makes it sound like they have a PhD in Scrabble,” and they’re willing to pay six figures for someone who can crank out future legends like Mustang, Raptor, and Thunderbird instead of duds like Five Hundred, Aspire, Probe, or whatever “EcoSport” was supposed to be. The gig comes with the pressure of making sure every new model, package, and trim sounds cool, marketable, and legally safe in 47 countries while also not getting roasted on Twitter, which means you’ll basically be walking the tightrope between poetry and trademark law. You’ll be reporting to the Director of Global Nomenclature—yes, that’s a real job title—which makes you wonder if Ford also has a Vice President of Commas somewhere. Honestly, if you can make a six-figure salary just by naming things, forget engineering or design, because you could be sitting in Dearborn right now pulling in more money than your mechanic just for saying, “Hey, let’s call it the Bronco,” and then going to lunch.
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